Class Reunion Warmup

By Robert Ringer

Before telling you about my first class reunion, I'd like to share a little anecdote that served as a warmup of sorts for the big event itself. What prompted me to think about it was the following e-mail I received from a Voice of Sanity reader.

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I learned The Game too well as a kid. I didn't even want to look in the mirror because I was afraid of what I might see. I didn't fit anywhere in school. I was not athletic and I had no social skills. Hanging out with me was considered to be the social equivalent of leprosy. I was tormented and bullied for more years than I care to think about.

My parents' solution: Either ignore it or fight back. I'd already had the crap kicked out of me at home numerous times, and quickly learned there that submission was my only hope of survival. And so it went throughout my school years. I took it in silence and did nothing.

It is amazing how things seldom change. I left my hometown and never went back — unless it was required (like for a funeral). I have never once gone to a high school reunion, nor do I plan to.

I have encountered former classmates in various places over the years, but, amazingly, I am still treated the same way. It used to bother me, but now I find it amusing to see fully grown adults still behaving like children. It is a good example of how one's perceptions can become habitual. ...

I consider myself fortunate now to be called eccentric and unpredictable. ... I have enjoyed The Cho Factor very much. I feel sorry for the ones who unsubscribed, because they are truly missing out on a mind-altering opportunity. All I can say is, thank you. — Sharon B.

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Sharon's case is not the exception but the norm.

A few years ago, John Stossel did a 20/20 show on bullying. I was reminded of how I felt about Pudge Johnson, the king of Brigadoon High, when Stossel said that when he was in school some of the jocks seemed like grown men to him. They were bigger than life.

But what was really fascinating was when Stossel said that on the few occasions when he happened to run into former Inner Ring members from his high school class, they acted as though they didn't know who he was, even though he was by then a well-known television personality! This is precisely what Sharon B. means when she refers to perceptions becoming habitual. Some Inner Ring members become so attached to their perceptions of their classmates in high school that nothing can alter those perceptions ... even years later when it's clear that circumstances have changed.

I know this to be true, because I've had several similar experiences. One of my favorite stories in this regard happened about ten years after graduating from high school, while I was on a business trip with former class president and Inner Ring member Bob Zak (who had become my attorney).

Bob and I had flown to what was then Washington National Airport from Kansas City, where we had closed a real estate transaction that earned me a $423,000+ commission. My income for the year was approaching $1 million — at a time when the U.S. dollar was not the joke of the international currency market.

Just after disembarking from our plane, we bumped smack into Inner Ring bigshot Jonathan Bettman, who, it turned out, had been on our flight. (To refresh your memory, Jonathan was the straight "A" student with the very loud, very foul mouth who made a high school career out of verbally bullying those he deemed to be beneath him.)

Jonathan excitedly shook hands with Bob, gave me an obligatory nod, then, without looking at me again, began chatting about the good old days. Bob tried to include me in the conversation a couple of times, but Jonathan was having none of that. Never mind the fact that while I was gaining national attention as a commercial real estate broker specializing in large properties, the highlight of Jonathan's life was still back when he was a Bobby Kennedy save-the-world groupie. The perception he apparently had of me in high school as a "nobody" had not changed one iota, nor had his immaturity.

After a few uncomfortable minutes, a tall, good looking pilot came striding up to join in the conversation. It was none other than Don Stramen, Brigadoon High football starter and another member of our class's Inner Ring. Hard to believe ... but he had been the copilot on our flight. As Don, Bob, and Jonathan continued to relive the past, Bob, looking uncomfortable because I was being totally ignored, said to Don, "Don, you remember Robert Ringer, don't you?"

It was a classic deer-in-the-headlights moment. With a perplexed look on his face, he stuttered, "Oh ... uh ... sure. Hi, how ya doin?" He had absolutely no idea who I was. Which is interesting, considering that we sat right next to each other through at least two classes that I can recall.

After our little mini-reunion broke up, Bob and I walked down the concourse toward the baggage claim area and talked about what an incredible coincidence it was that all of us had been on the exact same flight to Washington. At one point — and I don't remember the context — I said something about what a loudmouth taunter Jonathan had been in high school, to which Bob replied, "Really? Gosh, I never saw that in him at all."

Voila! Suddenly, it was crystal clear to me. The reason Bob never saw this obvious negative quality in one of his best friends was because his experience with Jonathan had been totally different from mine and that of other non-Inner Ring members. Plain and simple, Jonathan always treated Bob like the exalted Inner Ring member he was.

To put this in Cho Factor terms, had there been a Seung-Hui Cho in our class, he might very well have come to school one day and permanently quieted Jonathan — and taken his anger out on some others as well. Had that occurred, people like Bob would have bemoaned Jonathan's tragic death, believing it to be the random work of an evil classmate. They would have believed that the life of a "universally liked" straight "A" student was snuffed out for no reason at all.

Fortunately, that didn't happen in Jonathan's case, but it sure did at Columbine High School decades later. When the Columbine massacre occurred, the media rightly referred to it as a tragedy. But that's where the story ended. The Cho Factor angle was pretty much ignored, except for an occasional mention of how Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were bullied. To this day, many school shootings later, most people still don't get it.

There's an old saying that one person's terrorist is another person's patriot. I say, one person's all-American boy is another person's bully. It all depends on the source of the perception. In the eyes of teachers, administrators, and Inner Ring members and their influential parents, it's not uncommon for bullies of the worst kind to be viewed as upstanding school citizens — often even winning merit awards!

Sharon B. is right on — perceptions die hard. I thought about that a lot in the days leading up to our first class reunion. In the next installment, I'll share with you the outcome of that grand event. It's likely to stir some memories of your own.

Previous - Part XXVIII, A Whole New World

Next - Part XXVX, At Long Last: High School Reunion

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