Crimes Against Humanity Punishable by
Deportation to Berkeley, California
- Playing a car radio loud enough for anyone outside the car to
hear it.
- Implying, without a smirk, that “rap” is a form of music.
- Writing a check for under $10 at the supermarket. (Banishment to
Green Bay for writing any check at the supermarket.)
- Fast-food employees handling money, then touching food. (Capital
punishment without a trial for any employee running his fingers
through his hair or picking his nose, then touching the food that
he/she is cooking or serving.)
- Saying “very unique,” “most unique,” or “so unique” in public.
(Unique means “one of a kind,” and something cannot be “very one of
a kind,” “the most one of a kind,” or “so one of a kind.” I am open
to debate as to whether or not to make the punishment for this
offense retroactive, as I am sympathetic to the fact that it would
wipe out the entire news staffs of ABC, CBS, and NBC.)
- Saying “been there, done that” more than three times a week.
- Being in any way responsible for the asininity of any television
commercial.
- Professional athletes and semi-professional (i.e., college)
athletes saying, “That’s what it’s all about” more than twelve times
in a single interview.
- Women who drink beer at ball games.
- People with painted faces at ball games.
- Bare-chested men at ball games.
- Kids who use the word “like” more than ten times in a single
run-on sentence when it has nothing to do with what they’re trying
to convey. (Deportation to Fallujah for any adult found guilty of
this crime.)
- Driving a pickup truck with tires that look they belong on a 747
aircraft.
- People who vehemently deny, on national television, that they wrote their tell-all books for money.
