The Best Parent

The Welcome Mat

By Robert Ringer

In my experience, all schools have an unwritten policy that goes something like this:

1. For official purposes, schools make it clear that they welcome the involvement of parents. They are especially fond of talking about the importance of a "parent-teacher partnership."
2. The first time a parent comes to school to register a complaint, school officials thank him or her for informing them of the problem.
3. The second time the parent comes to school to complain, the reception is cordial, but lukewarm.
4. The third time the parent comes to school to complain, teachers and administrators lock arms, dig in their heels, and shift into their us-against-the-trouble-making-parent battle mode. So much for the welcome mat.

As one teacher put it in an e-mail to me:

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OK, you've hit a nerve, and now I'm mad about this whole issue ... which is good! I recall being in a staff meeting and the supervisor actually saying "the best parent is an uninformed parent."

One of the problems with the unions is the legal protection they afford the teacher. They don't want a teacher to be fired or look bad, because it makes the union look bad (politics over student welfare). ... [Most] teachers are in a classroom by themselves with no other adult witness. It was interesting to see some teachers' reactions to having an interpreter placed in their classroom. — K.A.

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I believe K.A. when she says teachers feel that the best parent is an uninformed parent, because she is not the first insider to tell me how teachers talk about parents behind closed doors. Never kid yourself on this point: Most teachers do not want parents — or anyone else — to know what goes on in their classrooms.

Even if no one had said anything to me about it, it has always been obvious that parents — particularly those with grievances — are decidedly unwelcome at schools. Unfortunately, I've had extensive experience with teachers yanking the welcome mat when my wife and I approached the front door. If there's one thing teachers and school administrators are averse to, it's waves — and angry parents are viewed as the ultimate wave makers.

It's time to let the schools — both public and private — know that it is the duty of parents to play the role of watchdog. Would that a parent had been in the classroom when kids were shouting at Seung-Hui Cho, "Go back to China!"

Of course, there is no way of proving that would have saved thirty-three lives years later — but, who knows? The only thing we know for certain is that the current system — where teachers allow, and sometimes promote, bullying (not to mention engaging in it themselves) — doesn't work.

The war against school atrocities has to be won one battle at a time — meaning that it starts with you. Talk to as many parents as possible about the idea of a parent being present in every classroom — at all times. Write up a petition, have it signed by as many parents as possible, and take it to the school board. There is no rational reason for either a public or private school to object to having a parent in every classroom, unless it has something to hide.

Reader A.P. would take this one step further:

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"Public school" is, on its face, "public." Therefore, parents should be allowed, even encouraged, to attend every class, as should the public, whose taxes pay for the public school.

So, I suggest that every classroom have a camera, microphone, and a live Web page available to the public. Parents could see not only how the teachers behave, but how their children behave, as could we all. There is no expectation of privacy in a public place, for anyone.

Like the excellent suggestion that parents attend classes, this proposal would flush out opposition in interesting ways. — A.P.

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What an excellent idea. Again, if there is nothing to hide, why not have cameras in every classroom? It would give both teachers and bullying students something to think about — make that a lot to think about. Since time immemorial, it has been almost impossible for a parent to prove that his or her child is being bullied. A camera in every classroom (and, yes, a live Web page) would be the equivalent of DNA testing — an electronic welcome mat of sorts.

When I first read A.P.'s idea, my memory took me all the way back to the fifth grade. I think I was basically an insecure kid, which I tried to offset by being the class clown. (Judging from the way they talk, a class clown is looked upon by teachers and administrators as something akin to a serial killer, while those who bully the class clown are treated as upstanding members of the school community.)

The teacher of my fifth-grade shop class was a perpetual frowner whose name now escapes me. (For convenience, I shall refer to him as "Mr. Genghis.") I recall that on one particular day I said or did something silly in another pathetic attempt to gain attention, when suddenly I felt something slam across the left side of my face.

My ears were ringing and my head felt like it was going to fall off. I remember wondering if I had died. Though everything was a blur, I could hear Mr. Genghis yell at me, "Knock it off!" When I read A.P.'s suggestion, I thought to myself how great it would have been had there been a camera in the room when Mr. Genghis slapped me across the face.

Today, there isn't much physical abuse (from teachers and administrators) in schools, but I would argue that the verbal abuse is perhaps even more damaging over the long term. I have dealt with a large number of teacher-goons whose verbal taunting of my children was far worse than my getting smacked upside the head in shop class.

Of course, fighting to put parents and cameras in the classroom is to no avail unless we first straighten out an underlying, foundational issue that, to date, I have never heard anyone address. And since I've already put my head on the chopping block (and I have the e-mails to prove it), you guessed it — I'll be stepping out front on that issue as well.

Previous - Part XIII, Time Out for Clarification (cont.): School Bullying

Next - Part XV, The Principle/Principal Problem: School Principal

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